Results over the phone

My poor receptionists are going nuts. They don't know what to do. They however get very fit running between the front desk and my door.

- Knock, knock!
- Grrrrh ....
- Sorry, doc. What can I tell this irate person on the phone about her pathology results? Are they back and normal? Are they not back but predicted to be abnormal? Are they missing? Are they back but not yet confirmed? Is it urgent? Should she come today or next year? She's on her way to Africa for 1 year, ...
- Who's she?
- Errr ... I'll ask ... wait a sec ... (running to the front for 20 seconds) ... Sorry, she hung up. She sounded very angry. I am so sorry.
- Grrrrh ....

So it goes on and on, day after day, week after week ...

Our practice protocol says that we do not give results over the phone. I know it is a crazy waste of effort and gross inconvenience for patients to come and sit and wait and wait and wait just to be told ..."Hi. All is well. Thanks. Goodbye."

But the flip side of this is detrimental: an abnormal results not well explained or a normal result misunderstood.

Remember poor George in Seinfeld? The sorry guy could not sleep for days because his doctor had rang him and said his test was "negative". In his pessimistic world, "negative" was just a polite way to say "you're dead".

A "negative skin biopsy" is good news. A "positive blood culture" is not as good.

There was a story circulated in the early 1990s of a suicide after the patient heard over the phone that he was "AIDS positive". The report was that his blood group was "A Positive (rhesus+)". It was not known if the receptionist on the other end of the line had had any weird accent. Nonetheless, this could have been true and obviously not a very funny story.

Some doctors let their staff tell patients if the results are normal. While I think this is reasonable enough, I also think discussing results face-to-face presents an opportunity to earn more Medicare rebate look for other hidden issues. Often people come to see me and ask for tests for "feeling tired" but the real issue is their troubled marriage.

I confess sometimes I tell people their results over the phone. But usually I call them (and not the other way around) - mostly for more pressing results like pregnancy tests or abnormal clotting results.

So before you tear my dotty receptionists to pieces, please remember poor George Constanza.